A Brief Warning: Workload

Before I say anything else, let me first say that it’s a lot of work to be a Dominant, of any kind.  If you’re a slacker, or irresponsible, or for whatever reason you don’t take care of yourself, then don’t take on the responsibility of taking care of someone else.  Please.

If you were asked by your partner to come here, and you’re feeling less than enthusiastic, please, don’t dismiss it before you try it.  I wasn’t feeling it, either, when a previous girlfriend wanted to give it a try.  I was also completely ignorant about all things BDSM, and what I thought I knew was quite wrong.  I was open-minded, though, and I encourage you to be open-minded also.  You might just like it, and you’ll have a big head start with this guide and my other articles.  Learn from my mistakes, so you don’t have to make them yourself.

If you have not yet read the Intro to BDSM page on this site, please do so now, before continuing.

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Know Thyself — and Thy submissive

The submissive’s Interview

Before you start barking orders, you’d better know who you’re talking to, in this new context.  Even if you’ve been together for 30 years, this is an entirely different context, and you’re about to learn things about your partner that you’ve never known before.  You might just find out you’re meeting an entirely different person.  Don’t let this scare you, though.  The person you already know is still there; you’re just discovering a side of them that has never had an outlet before, so it’s been repressed, probably for most of his or her life.  Humans are amazingly multifaceted.  Learn to love the whole person.

The best way to begin is with a lot of questions.  You’re the Dominant (Dom), so it’s on you to initiate this discussion, to be as thorough as possible, and to record every answer in writing.  Yes, in writing.  Not every word, but enough for you to understand later, in the case you’ve completely forgotten.  You’re going to be covering so much ground that you won’t remember everything without some assistance.  (Keep this in your sub’s file, safely locked away.)  As you ask each question, watch your new submissive (sub) for all body language.  Probe your sub every time your observations or your intuition tells you there’s something more to know.  By their very nature, subs can have difficulty volunteering information, especially if they are feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable.  This is not the time to display your dominance; this is the time to subdue it.  It’s completely on you, new Dom, to compensate for the embarrassment and discomfort as much as possible, and to press, gently, for the whole truth, for every question, in every topic. Did I not warn you that this is a lot of work?  Wait ’till you see the questions, though.  You’re going to have a very good time with all of this “work.”  I will provide another post soon with an example list of questions.*

The Dominant’s Interview

It’s your turn for the hot seat, buddy.  Be welcoming and warm as you invite your sub to ask questions of you.  Encourage a thorough interview, so that he or she can learn about you.  The better your sub knows you right from the beginning, the better equipped he or she is to please you.  You will very likely need to supply your sub with a list of questions to ask you, but make sure you leave it blank and require him or her to ask the questions and record the answers.  I will be posting that example list of questions soon, too.

Remember when you had to probe your sub for more information?  Well, now you have to do that to yourself, for the benefit of your submissive.  Elaborate on each question as much as you think is necessary to fully convey your thoughts and feelings.  If you are unsure whether your sub has understood exactly what you wanted to convey, ask questions that test your sub’s understanding of your statements.  Require your sub to take notes.

In the beginning, if either or both of you are new to this, you’ll need to think through and imagine each situation, trying to picture how you’ll react, what you think, and how you’ll feel.  Much of it will be guesswork, but that doesn’t mean it’s worthless.  The questions themselves will begin acclimating you to BDSM culture and norms.  It’s a different life perspective that will take some time to adjust to.  As you make those adjustments, your answers will change.  Don’t worry; you’ll both have plenty of opportunities to change your answers, day by day, and in recurring interviews.

Determine What Roles You Will Both Play

Yes, there is a questionaire that will help you get through this part, too.  This one is much easier, though, and doesn’t require the careful probing that the other questionaires did.  You can both fill out your respective questionaires at the same time.  Then you, Dom, will need to find the balance between what you want from your sub and what he or she is best suited to offer.  The questionaire, when scored, will show you what strengths and weaknesses your sub has.  He or she will be happiest if mostly used in the capacity employing his or her strengths, and occasionally working on the weaknesses, for personal growth.  Examples of different sub roles are butler/maid/valet, sex slave, housekeeper/cook, and escort.*

Tools and Toys

Before you use anything on someone else, practice using it on yourself first.  Learn exactly how hard you need to swing  that new flogger to get the effect you want, then take a bunch of practice swings on yourself to make sure you got it right.  Find out how long you can stand bent over, with your head and hands in the stocks.  Put the gag in your own mouth and run up and down a couple stories of stairs — can you still breathe okay?  You get the picture.

Here are the names and descriptions of some items that you have probably heard of, and probably don’t know much about.  There are MANY other toys, but most are common (like handcuffs).

Flogger: a short handle with many mid-length cords coming from one end, used in the same manner as a whip.  Floggers are usually categorized by the material that the cords are made from — leather, nylon, hemp, etc.  Sometimes the ends of the cords are special, such as knotted, or with beads, or — if the cords are porous like leather — dipped in melted wax.  Every different material and style feels different, so if you switch floggers mid-session, remember to alter your intensity to suit the flogger.

Spreader: a bar that attaches between wrist cuffs or ankle cuffs to keep the wrists or the ankles a certain distance appart.  36″ is a common length.

Violet Wand: have you seen the plasma sphere at Radio Shack?  Imagine one the size of a golf ball, at the end of a billie club.  The little glass ball is turned on, then brought close to the skin.  Small electric charges sting the skin, from a minor discomfort to burning the skin, depending on several things, like distance from the skin, the intensity adjustment on the handle, and the ball itself, which can be replaced with other hollow shapes, like a rake, for example.  Being much more complicated, I suggest foregoing use of this tool until you’ve had some experience with more conventional and simpler tools, like the flogger.

Mask or hood: sounds simple, but there are many variations to be aware of.  Some have openings with zippers for the eyes and mouth.  Some have no mouth hole; or no holes for the eyes, but holes for the nose and mouth.  Some have only a hole for the nose, to breathe.  Make sure any mask or hood you buy provides adequate breathing holes.  A variation is the gas mask.

Stocks: named after the dark ages torture implement, it is essentially unchanged.  When two pieces of wood are brought togther, they form three round holes, where the head and hands are held.  (Each piece of wood has a half circle on it.  They line up to make three holes when brought together.)  Stocks are most often mounted, but can also be carried about by the wearer.

Rack: named after a dark ages torture implement, it’s a table where the hands and feet are bound in an outstretched pose (hands straight over head).  Unlike the dark ages torture implement, we don’t use it to stretch bodies.  Its purpose is now to simply hold a person down to a table.

Saint Andrew’s Cross: a cross that’s not shaped like a “T”, but like an “X”.  It’s used to hold a person in a “spread eagle” pose.

Gag: no longer just a rag tied around the head and through the mouth, the gag has evolved into a wide variety of mouth toys/tools.  Some gags are shaped like a phallus.  Others are a leather-wrapped large metal ring, to keep the mouth open but unobstructed.  The most common seems to be the ball, about the size of a golf ball, but much softer, and somtimes with many holes, like a wiffle ball.  A cord from either side is wrapped around the back of the head and tied.

Collar: While everyone knows what a collar is, you might not know that in BDSM language, this means the person is owned by somone else.  In simple terms, it’s similar to wearing a ring because the collar symbolizes some level of commitment by both the owner and the owned.  It’s not safe to generalize or assume exactly what that commitment entails, as each BDSM relationship tends to be quite unique.

Oh, and a very important note for safety: Never leave someone unattended if you’ve attached something that cannot be easily removed by the sub, in case something goes wrong.  Someone made this mistake in Jacksonville, Florida.  According to local lore, the Domme wrapped the sub in plastic wrap from head to toe, leaving a straw in his mouth to breathe through, and put him in a closet.  The straw slipped out of his mouth and he suffocated; no one realized it for several hours.  Not only was it a horrible and unnecessary death, but the entire BDSM community was destroyed by the severe negative reaction of the greater Jacksonville community.  You don’t want to be responsible for someone’s death.  You don’t want to go to prison.  Exercise caution, always.  Never leave a bound person unattended.  Think before you act.  This can happen with a collar, too.  If you use a locking collar, make sure it has more than enough room to allow for both the collar to shrink and the neck to swell.  Leave copies of the keys or the lock’s combination with several local people that you know and trust, who can be available at a moment’s notice.

Develop Your Style

Visual

This is more of a subjective, long-term goal, but you really need to start on it early and get some progress made.  It’s important to present the image that your submissive is expecting to see.  This doesn’t mean you should get an actor’s guild award for faking your new persona.  It does mean that you should start to accentuate and cultivate those aspects about yourself that will make give the impression of power.  Someone is looking up to you — give that someone something to admire.  It will also help you to develop your self confidence and presence, and you will really enjoy that!

Changing your style of dress can go a long way.  You probably won’t even need to buy any new clothing.  Just step it up a bit.  No wrinkles, no t-shirts, no sneakers.  Wear more button up shirts.  Scale up from your previous style, unless you already routinely wear suits and other formal business attire.  If you do, there’s no where else for you to go; you’re set for this.

Walk tall and proud.  This conveys confidence, and makes you more appealing to everyone, whether you’re male or female.  Along with this, don’t fidget.  No picking fingernails, drumming your fingers, biting your lip, etc.  Just be still and focused.

Practice using a deeper voice when you’re alone, such as when you’re driving to and from work.  Look at the way pets ignore someone with a small voice, and how they respect the deep voice, even when it’s not loud.  Don’t sound fake, or it’ll be comical.  Work into it gradually.  The more you exercise your lower range, the lower your voice will sound when speaking normally.  This, like everything else in this list, works well for either gender.

Don’t be a damn mouse.  You’ll get no respect that way, from anyone.  Look people in the eyes when you talk to them.  When you look away, look right or left, not down.  Speak clearly and loudly enough to be heard the first time, but not booming.

Discipline: Punishments & Rewards

This is always the subject of much conversation.  I’m not going to give you all sides, but I will tell you what I’ve learned and how to apply those lessons.

A reward is anything that your subbie likes.  A punishment is anything your subbie does not like.  Period.  If your servant girl likes a good spanking, then this is not a punishment!  If you use this as punishment, you will get MORE of what you don’t want.  This is basic behavioral psychology.  (If you want to spank as a play punishment, make sure it’s clear that the offense for which she’s being spanked is not real.  Make something up that’s part of her fantasies.)

Another basic rule: reward in public, punish in private.  Since most of this lifestyle is done in private, it’s not really much of an issue.  If you have company over, or you have more than one sub, or you’re out somewhere, remember to save the punishments for when you’re alone, or change the immediate situation so that you are alone.

Punishments

NEVER PUNISH WHEN ANGRY.  If you’re angry, say so.  Express your displeasure.  Then, simply say that you will determine the punishment later, so that it’s fair and not unduly harsh as a result of your anger.  Yes, say all of that.  It will earn you respect like you wouldn’t believe.  Don’t forget to follow through with the punishment, or your words will become empty threats over time.  Another good way to create the impression of fairness is to offer two equally displeasing punishments for your sub to choose from.  Either way it’s going to suck, but the impression of having a choice creates gratitude and an impression of fairness.

A good punishment fits the transgression.  This is much more difficult than it sounds.  If your sub talks back to you, do you slap his or her face?  Not if it’s enjoyed.  For some, including my lil’ subbie, that’s foreplay.  What else fits the transgression?  Maybe a teaspoon of tobasco sauce held in the mouth for a minute.  Few people like this, but those who like spicy food could tolerate it easily.  Soap was the old standard for kids who talked back to parents, but with all the chemicals put in soap these days, I wouldn’t.  It’s not safe to ingest.  What about a 9-volt battery briefly touched to the tongue, repeatedly?  That’s safe, and quite uncomfortable, but people do get used to it, so its effectiveness wears off.  *New: I thought of another one.  Get a nice, strong rubberband, hook it over your index and thumb on one hand, pull back the middle of the bands with the other hand, and snap the rubberband on the sub’s tongue and lips.

Try to come up with three more punishments that fit this offense.  See?  Not easy.  (By the way, if you do come up with any, please share them — put them in a comment, below.)

One example that Misstress Abernathy used, for a different offense, was when her sub didn’t fold her socks properly, she dumped out the whole drawer of socks so that her sub would get plenty of practice doing it the right way.*

Rewards

This is MUCH more fun, and a whole lot easier.  Training your submissive using a heavy emphasis on rewards will get you much better results much faster.  You’ll both be happier, and as a result, your satisfaction with this lifestyle choice will be very fulfilling.

As we saw above, the old ideas of what is punishment and what is reward are all mixed up.  Make a list of all of your submissive’s little joys.  Maybe she likes to read, or maybe he likes to watch sports (going with the old stereotypes, here).  Scrapbooking?  Being “used”?  Cookies?  Watching the birds at the bird feeder?  A sexy spanking?  Memorize the list, so that when you’re delighted with good behavior, you have something fun right on the tip of your tongue, to share your pleasure with that devoted and humble person who looks up to you so much.  It’s also a good idea to offer choices with rewards, too.  Since it is something to enjoy anyway, let your submissive choose whatever he or she is most in the mood for.

A Realistic Example of Daily Living

In time, I will provide links here to my own and other’s stories that, above all, are realistic about how living the powerplay/bdsm lifestyle might look.  Your relationship will be different in some or every way, guaranteed, but the tone of respect of the Dominant for the submissive must be there for the relationship to work, even if part of playtime is to humiliate or belittle the sub.  At some point, the sub needs to feel valued and cared for, or the emotional and psychological damage will pile up until something breaks.  If this sounds obvious to you, then great!  Many, though, have been exposed to very unrealistic and honestly quite destructive bdsm fiction.  Putting these stories into action is a sure course for destruction.  I learned this lesson the hard way.

While the vast majority of content on this site will deal with powerplay only, there will be sexual content in the stories that is suitable for adults only.

*References

Where I’ve put an asterisk in the text above, it means a reference to the book Erotic Slavehood, by (Mistress) Christina Abernathy, published by Greenery Press.  I may have taken the idea directly from the book, or I may have simply recognized that my thoughts originated from something I read in this most outstanding and highly recommended book.  (I will be writing a review and summarizing some notworthy parts in a coming article.)

If you’re not familiar with the word “scene,” it’s just jargon for participating in a BDSM session.  Since part of the fantasy for the submissive is a loss of control, he or she usually wants to be able to say, Stop!, No!, Get away from me!, etc, without the Dominant actually following through with these requests.  So, if “no” doesn’t mean “no” and “stop” doesn’t mean “stop,” then what does??  That is exactly the reason safety words were created.

If you have not yet read the Intro to BDSM page on this site, please do so now, before continuing.

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Safety Words

Do you remember playing white knuckles as a kid?  Two kids face each other and squeeze each others’ hands as hard as they can.  The only way to end the game, and lose, is to yell, “Uncle!”  This is a safety word.

Safety words are almost always chosen by the submissive, at the demand of the Dominant.  A good safety word is not, at face value, in any way associated with a cessation of activity.  It is a completely irrelevant word that is chosen by the submissive simply because it is easy for him or her to remember. “Uncle” is still a popular safety word because of the childhood game.

The Color System

I’ve found something much better than a safety word, though, thanks to a Domme I met in the local community.  It’s simple and easy to remember, and introduces much more flexibility.  It’s based on traffic lights.  Here’s the system:

• Green: I’m loving it!  Keep going!
• Yellow: I love what you’re doing!  Keep going, just don’t increase the intensity.  I’m at my max.
• Red: Please stop everything!  (On the second time I hear this, the scene is over.)
• White: I’m not at a limit, but I’d like you to switch to some other activity.

I’ve actually seen the green, yellow, and red before.  What struck me as genius is the white.  One of the difficulties I’ve had as a Dom is not being a good mind reader.  White takes the guesswork out, yet still leaves you in the driver’s seat.

Non-verbal Scene Communication

Okay, so what if the sub cannot move or speak?  Perhaps she’s gagged or is wearing a leather or latex mask with no hole for the mouth, and of course, she’s bound?  Then what?

Well, I haven’t found the non-verbal equivalent of the color system, but I have heard a few barely adequate ideas.  I’ve also had an idea that could come close to a non-verbal color system, but I have not yet had the opportunity to create it.

The most common non-verbal safety … indicator? … I’ve heard used is dropping an item.  Place an item in your submissive’s hand that will make noise when it hits the ground, and instruct her to drop it if she reaches her limits.  Of course, this shouldn’t be a glass vase onto a concrete floor, but it does need to be heard over quite a lot of racket, or be visible, like a hot pink rubber ball bouncing all over the place.

There are many scenarios where neither the noise nor the visibility are sufficiently effective, though.  I’ve heard no reasonable solution to this except to keep asking the sub how she’s doing and wait for a head nod.  That’s really annoying, and it kills the mood.

So, if you’ve found a solution that works for you, please, tell me about it.  Of course, I will credit you as the source.

Sincerely,
Master

Fictional BDSM Literature

My introduction to BDSM started with discovering fictional stories of this nature on a website with a previous girlfriend.  She wanted to experience being a submissive in that type of relationship, and being the open-minded man that I am, I agreed to try it.  We read as many of those BDSM stories as we could find, creating in our minds a certain image of how things are supposed to work.  That image was not realistic, and turned out to be quite damaging.

If you have not yet read the Intro to BDSM page on this site, please do so now, before continuing.

By the way, if you like the article, please donate a few bucks to help me write more:

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Very frequently, the submissives in those stories were pressed into slavery against their wills.  This immediately creates an atmosphere of disregard for everything about the sub except for performance, for the person is no longer a person, but a machine, obtained to perform certain activities.  Yes, this was exactly what my girlfriend thought she wanted, but humans are much more complicated than that.  We rarely see the big picture of all the consequences of our decisions before we make the decision, when the information is most needed.  Hindsight, as they say …

The Consequence

So we moved forward, acting out our roles according to the fictional stories.  It was intensely enjoyable to us both, but it quickly eroded into hurt feelings, resentments, anger, misunderstandings … our relationship spiralled downward quickly.  We tried to figure out fixes, tried to find answers, but all to no avail, because we didn’t know what the problem really was.  We were like shadetree mechanics, spending lots of time and money randomly replacing parts, hoping to get lucky and replace the defective part.  We both loved the lifestyle, so we tried to make it work, but after three months, the Master/slave fantasy ended.  We went back to dating, with a little D/s in bed, then we stopped dating entirely.  The damage had already been done, and no amount of TLC could repair it.  The relationship disintegrated, slowly, with much pain and remorse.

So here’s the moral of the story.  It’s a simple one, and should have been obvious, but it wasn’t obvious to either of us.  Pretending that the sub is a tool for your pleasure is fun, but remember that people can never be that simple for more than a few hours.  Emotional needs must be met.  Psychological needs must be met.  The stories taught us that the Dom should be distant and hard and cold.  In small doses, that can be fun, satisfying, and fulfilling, but sustaining that for months creates a chasm between you that cannot ever be filled with anything, and does great harm to the sub him/herself.  Even though she still craved  the feeling of being dominated, and enjoyed it, my sub fell into a deep depression.  Her self-esteem was decimated.  Her emotions were so confused and repressed that she often just felt numb.  As bad as all this was, it was part of what she thought it was supposed to be, so she said nothing of it, and I had no clue.  She was playing her fictional story-supplied role as well.  We were ignorant fools, trying our best to do something that could have — should have — been deeply fulfilling for us both, but we made a total mess of it instead.  My regrets, my remorse, my terrible feelings of guilt, still weigh heavily upon me.  My culpability is low (I was sincerely doing what I thought I was supposed to do, and what she wanted, after all), but that doesn’t seem to help my conscience.

An Ounce of Prevention

Since there really is no cure for the destruction we caused, an ounce of prevention has infinite worth.  I suggest using several pounds of prevention.

Emotional and Psychological Needs

First of all, there needs to be a healthy amount of “Daddy Dom” in every Dominant.  In the long run, encouragement and praise will always get better results than punishment.  Necessary punishments should always be appropriate for the submissive’s mistake.  Simplified: do NOT punish when angry; praise and encourage at every opportunity.

In my limited experience, the most important thing you can do is to make your submissive feel appreciated and cherished, not just every day, but with everything you say and do.  Remember that he/she chose you, and trusts you with his/her happiness, which makes it your responsibility.  Don’t be a big mush, or your sub’s opinion of you will suffer; just be genuine.  This makes being a Dominant a lot of hard work, and in a very real way, makes the Dominant a servant to the submissive.  Use recurring interviews (a later post will explain more), and constantly probe your submissives to reveal their true thoughts and feelings.

Balance Requires Constant Vigilance

Making your submissive feel appreciated and cherished is critical after engaging in any play that involves psychologically or emotionally straining activities.  You must return to strengthen what you have strained, or it will weaken and break.  I’d say that we are playing with fire, but it’s even more serious than that: we are dancing on a tightrope while carrying someone on our back.  If you stop paying attention to the emotional and psychological balance of your submissive even for a moment, you may slip, and the consequences could be heartbreaking or worse.

So there it is, my greatest shame, my most tragic mistake, made public.  Don’t make my mistake.  I am a Dom again, with a diffrent submissive, but now I am vastly more wise and cautious than I had been.  I have not only learned from my mistakes, but I’ve found the local BDSM community, and have had the great opportunity to learn from others’ mistakes for a change.  I’ve also found real, not fictional, BDSM reading material.  All of which will be covered in later posts, so come back soon.  I’m feeling prolific lately.

Sincerely,
Master

Here’s a little bit of what’s to come:

• New Master Crash Course!  (done!)
• Scene communication  (done!)
• Initial interviews
• Recurring interviews
• Questionaires
• Fantasy vs Reality  (done!)
• Hypnosis as a training aid
• Positions
• Respectful communication
• BDSM book suggestions & reviews
• BDSM erotic story reviews
• Jealousy
• Daddy Doms — Dom with a nurturing twist
• BDSM artwork
• Long distance D/s relationships
• Finding and meeting a compatible D/s partner

Please feel free to suggest any topics you’re interested in.  If I don’t know enough about it, I’ll learn it.  Or, submit your article to me, and I’ll post it, with full credit given to you.  For either, just comment on this post with a working email address and I’ll get back to you.  (Of course, your email address will not be shown to the public and will be used for this purpose ONLY.)  Thanks!

By the way, if you like any of the articles, or you’d like to see any of the articles done sooner, please donate a few bucks to help me write more:

 If you have not yet read the Intro to BDSM page on this site, please do so now. 

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Tell me what you think!

Sincerely,
Master