Safety Words & Other Scene Communications
Verbal Scene Communication
If you’re not familiar with the word “scene,” it’s just jargon for participating in a BDSM session. Since part of the fantasy for the submissive is a loss of control, he or she usually wants to be able to say, Stop!, No!, Get away from me!, etc, without the Dominant actually following through with these requests. So, if “no” doesn’t mean “no” and “stop” doesn’t mean “stop,” then what does?? That is exactly the reason safety words were created.
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Safety Words
Do you remember playing white knuckles as a kid? Two kids face each other and squeeze each others’ hands as hard as they can. The only way to end the game, and lose, is to yell, “Uncle!” This is a safety word.
Safety words are almost always chosen by the submissive, at the demand of the Dominant. A good safety word is not, at face value, in any way associated with a cessation of activity. It is a completely irrelevant word that is chosen by the submissive simply because it is easy for him or her to remember. “Uncle” is still a popular safety word because of the childhood game.
The Color System
I’ve found something much better than a safety word, though, thanks to a Domme I met in the local community. It’s simple and easy to remember, and introduces much more flexibility. It’s based on traffic lights. Here’s the system:
- Green: I’m loving it! Keep going!
- Yellow: I love what you’re doing! Keep going, just don’t increase the intensity. I’m at my max.
- Red: Please stop everything! (On the second time I hear this, the scene is over.)
- White: I’m not at a limit, but I’d like you to switch to some other activity.
I’ve actually seen the green, yellow, and red before. What struck me as genius is the white. One of the difficulties I’ve had as a Dom is not being a good mind reader. White takes the guesswork out, yet still leaves you in the driver’s seat.
Non-verbal Scene Communication
Okay, so what if the sub cannot move or speak? Perhaps she’s gagged or is wearing a leather or latex mask with no hole for the mouth, and of course, she’s bound? Then what?
Well, I haven’t found the non-verbal equivalent of the color system, but I have heard a few barely adequate ideas. I’ve also had an idea that could come close to a non-verbal color system, but I have not yet had the opportunity to create it.
The most common non-verbal safety … indicator? … I’ve heard used is dropping an item. Place an item in your submissive’s hand that will make noise when it hits the ground, and instruct her to drop it if she reaches her limits. Of course, this shouldn’t be a glass vase onto a concrete floor, but it does need to be heard over quite a lot of racket, or be visible, like a hot pink rubber ball bouncing all over the place.
There are many scenarios where neither the noise nor the visibility are sufficiently effective, though. I’ve heard no reasonable solution to this except to keep asking the sub how she’s doing and wait for a head nod. That’s really annoying, and it kills the mood.
So, if you’ve found a solution that works for you, please, tell me about it. Of course, I will credit you as the source.
Sincerely,
Master
